August 10, 2008 – Local Cheesheads are facing a tough decision thanks to the New Jersey Jets acquisition of former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Farve.
The thoughts Becky Gunderson of Greenpoint, but originally from Manitowoc, Wisconsin, reflects the quandary of most local Cheeseheads, “I don’t know what to do. I love Brett, but I am loyal to the Packers. This is really tough, and so.”
Hoboken resident and Green Bay native Norbert Jacobsen suggested a compromise solution, “I’ll root for the Packers as always, but I’ll root for Brett as long as the Jets aren’t playing us. Plus they are in the other conference. The Jets aren’t on the schedule this year, but there is always the Super Bowl.”
Another Wisconsin transplant, Mary Sullivan, who leads tours in New York and New Jersey following the path of legendary Packers coach Vince Lombardi, said, “I don’t plan to add Giants Stadium to the tour. Farve was an important figure in the history of the Packers, but not as important as Vince. It is funny how that there is now another New York and New Jersey connection to the Packers, but this time in reverse.”
No local Cheesehead The Limes talked to wavered in their loyalty to the Packers. Almost all of them called it “a sacred covenant” between the fans and team.
August 3, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today at a Midtown press conference that the Universe is moving closer to “ultimate destruction” due to the Mets slipping out of first place and the Phillies taking over the top spot in the National League Eastern Division.
Dr. Eugene Woodling, director of the AAPA, expressed grave concern, “This could rupture the Space-Time Continuum as we know it. We know the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is coming into play, as well as the lack of a decent Mets bullpen, and we have come up with a device to compensate. We call it a Heisenberg Compensator and have several prototypes already deployed. We can’t get into specifics about the machines, but we have more faith in them than the Mets relief staff. Still this is not as bad as the situation in 1980. At least not yet.”
Mets General Manager Omar Minaya in a conference call told reporters, “Don’t blame our bullpen for putting the universe in peril. It is just baseball and we all know given past history the Phillies are destined to loose. You have to trust me.”
Baseball expert and Fox network commentator Tim McCarver summed up the situation with his usual brilliance, “You have to win games because if you don’t you’ll need to win more.”
August 3, 2008 – The last time an Olympic games had this sort of buzz was back in 1936 at the Berlin games. The way dissidents are being rounded up, minorities repressed, and a whitewash is being put on an evil empire’s capital city is strikingly similar. The efforts of billions of dollars along with the untold millions of dollars were used as bribes to get the International Olympic Committee to legitimize the regime by holding the games in Beijing are finally coming to fruition.
“If one thing these evil regimes have in common it is to create stunning propaganda,” said Ian McKenna, sports director of Human Rights for All. “The Nazis had Leni Riefenstahl to sculpt their message; the ChiComs have NBC which is owned by one of their biggest trading partners General Electric sculpting their message for American consumption.”
Not everyone seems to believe that the Olympics will be a Red Chinese propaganda fest. The Limes chief television critic, Larry Rawson, looks forward to the NBC coverage, “Those ChiCom bastards killed my brother at the Chosin Reservoir, but this is the Olympics. NBC is going to make sure we know and see what every American athlete did. Who cares about these damn foreigners? NBC is doing a much better job than ABC ever did with Jim McKay going on about all these foreigners. NBC knows it isn’t about sports it is about how the Americans do at sports.”
Las Vegas odds makers feel that there is a chance of a massive uprising that will surpass the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989. Vinnie “Jersey Boy” Giocatore, president of the Las Vegas Odds makers Association, said, “The consensus among our members is the odds of a massive uprising are 2 to 1 and a complete revolution 10 to 1. Most of the money is on the PRC government with a spread of plus1000 deaths. My gut tells me something will happen, but I am not sure what.”
Due to The Limes pro-Tibet and anti-Wal-Mart editorial positions, our correspondents were denied access to the games.
July 27, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today that the Universe is restabilizing after weeks of being in highly unstable state due to the Philadelphia Phillies being in first place of the National League Eastern Division. When the Mets defeated the Phillies, knocking the dangerous baseball club out of first place last week, order was restored to the universe.
“This anomaly happens from time to time, sometimes putting the entire fabric of the Space Time Continuum in jeopardy,” said Dr. Eugene Woodling director of the AAPA. “The most serious breach that almost led to Universal destruction occurred on October 21, 1980 when the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series. We came pretty close, but the 1981 baseball strike repaired most of the fissures, although the team’s 1983 World Series appearance caused some more damage. The natural state of the team is to not win. When they win, it throws the universe out of balance. That is why they have the most losses of any team in history.”
As for the worst team in the history of professional sports 1993 World Series appearance, Woodling has an explanation, “There were no adverse effects to the Universe then, only positive ones. The working theory is due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle a situation developed where the fans of the Phillies needed to be reminded that the team does not deserve to win and they should switch teams to one that will not do damage to the Universe.”
A special commendation has been given to the New York Mets by the AAPA for their recent efforts. However, Dr. Woodling warns, “The Mets and the rest of the National League need to be vigilant and defeat the Phillies when they play them. The ramifications of the Phillies winning the division and the Mets not could cause some serious problems. Thankfully last year’s resolved itself quickly during the playoffs and tragedy was averted.”
July 20, 2008 – Did you watch the All Star Game on Fox last Tuesday? Sure we all did unless you are one of the rich suits who can afford the $1000 ticket to the game. Those rich bastards missed out on some of the best commentary on the sport of baseball by the greatest baseball announcer in the history of the game – Tim McCarver.
Where can I start? The man was probably the greatest catcher in the history of baseball. He was so talented they won’t put him in the Hall of Fame because his greatness would overshadow everyone else. He had that much true talent.
McCarver knows how to use the English language. He puts Shakespeare to shame. He even comes up with new words! I can never forget the day he came up with the word splate. Tim said about the great breakthrough in the English language, “I got my ‘splitter’ and my ‘plate’ mixed up and kind of called it a ‘splate.’ It’s a new word I made up.” Splate, that is the mark of a true wordsmith. Did Shakespeare come up with any new words? Methinks not.
He is an expert on baseball. I am sure you remember this brilliant insight from 2005 when he said, “There is a world of difference between a count of one ball and two strikes is a lot different situation than hitting with two strikes and one ball.” Or maybe this from 2006, “Pitching is such a vital part of the game, as far as winning is concerned.” Pure genius.
Tim McCarver, coupled with Fox’s incredibly wonderful coverage of baseball made the All Star Game a sheer delight. He is much better than someone like Vin Scully and obviously more intelligent because of McCarver’s unique grasp of the obvious and fearlessness in mentioning it.
In my fifty-two years of television criticisms I have never found a better announcer!
I’ll leave you with some words of inspiration from the great man, “One thing about ground balls. They don’t go out of the ball park.”
Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.
July 13, 2008 – It has come to our attention that several baseball scores did not appear in a previous edition of The Limes due to deliberate malfeasance by a now former employee. As a service to our readers, we regretfully acknowledge the error in some editions of the July 13, 1913 edition and will publish the scores for July 12, 1913 that were omitted below:
National League
Cincinnati 1, Giants 3
Chicago (N. L.) 5, Dodgers 6
American league
Yankees 1, St. Louis (A. L.) 2
The Limes regrets the error and will continue to correct mistakes in a timely manner as a service to our readers.
Pictured: Doc Crandall (left) & Grover Hartley (right) of the New York Giants
July 6, 2008 - What is going on with A-Rod and his sex life is confusing New Yorkers. Park Slope resident Kate Bryant wondered, “Madonna is having a threesome with Lenny Kravitz and A-Rod?” Lewis Munch of Hoboken thought, “A-Rod is doing it with Madonna and C-Rod in a threesome, right?”
It is not just the fans who are confused with the alleged sexcapades of A-Rod, his wife “C-Rod”, Madonna, Lenny Kravitz, and possibly the entire state of New Hampshire. His teammates are equally confused. “A-Rod, C-Rod, Madonna, and Gladys Kravitz are having a foursome? I think that’s right,” offered pitcher Joba Chamberlain reflecting the views of most of the team.
One long time Yankees staffer that requested anonymity said that it was more confusing than the wife swapping that took place during the 1974 and 1975 seasons. The team finished in second and third place respectively in those years thanks to the off the field liaisons, however most baseball historians blame the team playing at Shea Stadium during those seasons.
Yankees Executive Vice President Hal Steinbrenner in a press release stated, “It is in the best interest of the New York Yankees to profit from this scandal. We are going to not only have a series of specials on YES about A-Rod’s sex life, but are going to be issuing a set of exclusive baseball cards in conjunction with Topps that feature all the players in this scandal.” The cards, expected in about a week, will be sold for $19.95 at Yankee Stadium, the Yankees Clubhouse shops and on the team’s website.
June 29, 2008 - In a shocking move Mets General Manager Omar Minaya has fired manager Jerry Manuel less than a month after he took the reigns of the team from Willie Randolph. In a 3 a.m. press conference Minaya announced to the two reporters who bothered to show up, “Jerry Manuel isn’t working out for us and we have found a better and more cost effective solution.” He then proceeded to hold up an Ouija board and a photo of Casey Stengel saying, “This is the best option we have at the moment.”
Minaya also announced a new pitching coach, the spirit of Tug McGraw channeled through yet another Ouija board. “McGraw’s positive ‘You gotta believe’ attitude is something that can really help the team right now,” he said.
The supernatural choice of manager is a first for the Mets, but not a first in New York baseball. In 1990, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner used an Ouija board channeling the spirit of Billy Martin as manager after firing Bucky Dent. That strategy was a failure, since the team finished dead last – the same place they were when Dent was still at the helm.