August 10, 2008 – After making several anti-Guido comments last month, Belmar Mayor Ken Pringle was forced by several Staten Island Guidos to visit the island borough. Pringle was forced to ride the Staten Island Ferry without returning to Manhattan once it docked, visit several Italian restaurants, patronize several strip clubs, and take a tour of the island’s most famous attraction - the site of the former Fresh Kills Landfill.
In his July 4th newsletter, Pringle called the Guidos “welcome as, oh, Canada Geese” in Belmar as well as several true statements about the women of Staten Island and blondes. “They couldn’t handle the truth,” Pringle said after a harrowing several hours in Richmond County. “What does being honest get me? A trip to [expletive deleted] Staten Island. All it did was show all the stereotypes were true.”
The Limes attempted to contact Acting Governor Dick Codey for comment, but we were told that he is, “down the shore this week.”
No Newark Shootings for a Day
June 29, 2008 - Newark Mayor Corey Booker proudly announced at a news conference on the city hall steps, “Yesterday, for the first day in living memory nobody had been shot in the city. This is a fine day for Newark.” However the glee of the moment was spoiled when a drug deal gone bad across the street quickly turned into an exchange of automatic weapons fire wounding five.
Hicksville Proposes Name Change
June 29, 2008 - The Nassau County hamlet of Hicksville has proposed a name change in order to improve its image so not to be seen as a bunch of hicks. A press release by the Chamber of Commerce proposes the name be changed to Pickleton to honor the area’s history of growing pickles. The area switched to potato farming after the Great Pickle Blight of the 1920s devastated Long Island’s pickle industry.
Tragedy at Connecticut Debutant Ball
June 29, 2008 - The entire state of Connecticut is recovering from the carnage that occurred at the annual Fairfield County Debutant Ball at the Greenwich Country Club last night. Ball goers were shocked when they found eighteen year old Rebecca “Beckers” Smythe-Uppington of Greenwich with a broken fingernail. Smythe-Uppington was immediately airlifted to a special clinic in Switzerland which specializes in this type of injury. She is expected to make a full recovery. The Connecticut State Police have not determined the cause of the injury at this point of the investigation.