August 3, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today at a Midtown press conference that the Universe is moving closer to “ultimate destruction” due to the Mets slipping out of first place and the Phillies taking over the top spot in the National League Eastern Division.
Dr. Eugene Woodling, director of the AAPA, expressed grave concern, “This could rupture the Space-Time Continuum as we know it. We know the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is coming into play, as well as the lack of a decent Mets bullpen, and we have come up with a device to compensate. We call it a Heisenberg Compensator and have several prototypes already deployed. We can’t get into specifics about the machines, but we have more faith in them than the Mets relief staff. Still this is not as bad as the situation in 1980. At least not yet.”
Mets General Manager Omar Minaya in a conference call told reporters, “Don’t blame our bullpen for putting the universe in peril. It is just baseball and we all know given past history the Phillies are destined to loose. You have to trust me.”
Baseball expert and Fox network commentator Tim McCarver summed up the situation with his usual brilliance, “You have to win games because if you don’t you’ll need to win more.”
July 27, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today that the Universe is restabilizing after weeks of being in highly unstable state due to the Philadelphia Phillies being in first place of the National League Eastern Division. When the Mets defeated the Phillies, knocking the dangerous baseball club out of first place last week, order was restored to the universe.
“This anomaly happens from time to time, sometimes putting the entire fabric of the Space Time Continuum in jeopardy,” said Dr. Eugene Woodling director of the AAPA. “The most serious breach that almost led to Universal destruction occurred on October 21, 1980 when the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series. We came pretty close, but the 1981 baseball strike repaired most of the fissures, although the team’s 1983 World Series appearance caused some more damage. The natural state of the team is to not win. When they win, it throws the universe out of balance. That is why they have the most losses of any team in history.”
As for the worst team in the history of professional sports 1993 World Series appearance, Woodling has an explanation, “There were no adverse effects to the Universe then, only positive ones. The working theory is due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle a situation developed where the fans of the Phillies needed to be reminded that the team does not deserve to win and they should switch teams to one that will not do damage to the Universe.”
A special commendation has been given to the New York Mets by the AAPA for their recent efforts. However, Dr. Woodling warns, “The Mets and the rest of the National League need to be vigilant and defeat the Phillies when they play them. The ramifications of the Phillies winning the division and the Mets not could cause some serious problems. Thankfully last year’s resolved itself quickly during the playoffs and tragedy was averted.”