August 10, 2008 – After making several anti-Guido comments last month, Belmar Mayor Ken Pringle was forced by several Staten Island Guidos to visit the island borough. Pringle was forced to ride the Staten Island Ferry without returning to Manhattan once it docked, visit several Italian restaurants, patronize several strip clubs, and take a tour of the island’s most famous attraction - the site of the former Fresh Kills Landfill.

In his July 4th newsletter, Pringle called the Guidos “welcome as, oh, Canada Geese” in Belmar as well as several true statements about the women of Staten Island and blondes. “They couldn’t handle the truth,” Pringle said after a harrowing several hours in Richmond County. “What does being honest get me? A trip to [expletive deleted] Staten Island. All it did was show all the stereotypes were true.”

The Limes attempted to contact Acting Governor Dick Codey for comment, but we were told that he is, “down the shore this week.”

July 27, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today that the Universe is restabilizing after weeks of being in highly unstable state due to the Philadelphia Phillies being in first place of the National League Eastern Division. When the Mets defeated the Phillies, knocking the dangerous baseball club out of first place last week, order was restored to the universe.

“This anomaly happens from time to time, sometimes putting the entire fabric of the Space Time Continuum in jeopardy,” said Dr. Eugene Woodling director of the AAPA. “The most serious breach that almost led to Universal destruction occurred on October 21, 1980 when the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series. We came pretty close, but the 1981 baseball strike repaired most of the fissures, although the team’s 1983 World Series appearance caused some more damage. The natural state of the team is to not win. When they win, it throws the universe out of balance. That is why they have the most losses of any team in history.”

As for the worst team in the history of professional sports 1993 World Series appearance, Woodling has an explanation, “There were no adverse effects to the Universe then, only positive ones. The working theory is due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle a situation developed where the fans of the Phillies needed to be reminded that the team does not deserve to win and they should switch teams to one that will not do damage to the Universe.”

A special commendation has been given to the New York Mets by the AAPA for their recent efforts. However, Dr. Woodling warns, “The Mets and the rest of the National League need to be vigilant and defeat the Phillies when they play them. The ramifications of the Phillies winning the division and the Mets not could cause some serious problems. Thankfully last year’s resolved itself quickly during the playoffs and tragedy was averted.”

July 20, 2008 – In remarks in a news conference Thursday evening, Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno said that he would be officially resigning effective at noon on Friday. He told reporters asking about the Federal investigation into his business dealings, “I am not a crook.”

Bruno refused to answer questions about the Troopergate scandal, his use of State Police aircraft, any of the questionable activities he engaged in during his 32 years in Albany, or how he was going to receive a $90,000 to $100,000 a year state pension – significantly more than his State Senate salary.

The mood was markedly different and upbeat scene Friday morning when as the recently resigned Bruno left Albany for one last time. An honor guard made up of the ten members of the New York National Guard actually still in the state were on hand in the parking lot of the Capitol Building along with dozens of well wishers, onlookers and Governor Patterson to see Bruno off in a State Police helicopter.

The helicopter flew Bruno to Joseph L. Bruno International Airport in Rensselaer County where a motorcade took then took him to his Brunswick home. Passing motorists on the Joseph L. Bruno Expressway got out of their vehicles to wave at the passing motorcade and many people held up signs of encouragement on the overpasses. It is estimated that over 3000 people lined the motorcade route to wish Bruno well.

“Joe Bruno is a great man. This is a loss for the people of New York,” said Lloyd Nelson of Hoosick, a guard at the Joseph L. Bruno State Prison, who waited three hours in front of the Joseph L. Bruno Medical Center to get a glimpse of Bruno’s motorcade passing by.

Fifty students from the Joseph L. Bruno Regional High School held up a one hundred foot long banner saying “THANKS JOE!” as the motorcade passed Joseph L. Bruno State Park. “It was really important that we paid our respects to this great man. He has done so much for everyone here,” said Rebecca Shultz, 15, of North Greenbrook and student at the high school. “He would have made the best governor.”

The 79 year old Bruno will not be retiring, despite his huge bump in income. He plans to find a non-profit to work for and make it profitable.

July 13, 2008 – An official multi-million dollar State of New Jersey poll of 50,000 state residents released yesterday showed that Acting Governor Richard “Dick” Codey is the most popular governor in the history of the Garden State. Codey received an amazing 97% in the poll.

“The conventional wisdom was that Thomas “Tom” Kean would be the most popular, due to those New Jersey and you tourism ads from the 80s,” said Victor “Vic” Torian, director of the New Jersey Department of Statistics and Billboard Management. “He finished a distant second at only 3%. As that great New Jersey resident Yogi Berra said, ‘It ain’t over ‘til it’s over!’”

According to several Trenton insiders, Codey’s regular Joe style and the accidental way he kept becoming Acting Governor were probably the two biggest things that made him so popular. One high ranking state senate member told The Limes, “There was some talk of making him Acting Governor for life. He knows how to bring the state together.”

There hasn’t been any word from Acting Governor Codey, probably due to him being down the shore for the week.

July 13, 2008 – In the spring of 2008, Six Flags, operator of Great Adventure in New Jersey, began airing ads for the theme park featuring a stereotypical Asian male with a comically stereotypical Asian accent. Amazingly, Councilman John Liu (District 20, D) has not spoken out about the ads.

Liu’s behavior was a surprise, given his vigorous defense of the Asian-American community, to many City Council observers and insiders. It was expected that Liu would have at least issued a press release about the ad.

“I would have expected him to have pounced on it, since it is a national ad campaign. It would have gotten Liu some national exposure,” said one City Hall insider. “I’m not even Asian and I am offended by these ads, “said another.

A high ranking member of the City Council told the Limes, “We all know he is going to be running for mayor so why would he turn down free publicity?”

The Limes was unable to speak with anyone in Liu’s office about the matter. A spokesperson for Six Flags told The Limes in a stereotypical Asian accent, “More flags, more fun.”

June 29, 2008 - The New York Limes is in possession of several New York State documents that reveal that Governor David Patterson suffers from blindness. The shocking documents state that the governor is “legally blind” and “lives with his wife”.

Further investigations by The Limes have brought to light that Patterson is a Democrat, has been or is currently active in several Democrat groups and organizations and that he is a lawyer.

The Governor’s office confirmed the documents as authentic and that Patterson is a Democrat who is a legally blind lawyer and lives with his wife. They even went so far as to place the documents on the Governor’s website.

The documents are similar in nature to those that The Limes discovered in 1998 revealing then Governor George Pataki as having the middle name of Elmer. That discovery led to several jokes comparing Pataki to Elmer Fudd told throughout the state.