August 3, 2008 – MTA New York City Transit officials are puzzled by data that shows that last Tuesday the 5:35 p.m. southbound train from the Court Square station actually ran on time. The Brooklyn-Queens crosstown line, which opened for full service in 1937 as the IND GG train, had never seen an on time train until last week.
NYC Transit President Howard Roberts Jr. told The Limes, “This is obviously an anomaly and we are working hard to correct it. The G train is well known for its spotty service record. We need to live up to our customer’s expectations and make sure the G runs with its usual inefficiency and delays. ”
A sampling of regular G train riders were shocked to hear of a train running on time. “I have to wait like twenty minutes before it comes,” said Sarah Lewis of Greenpoint. “Can’t they screw up and get it running on time all the time?”
Harvey Green of Long Island City remarked, “Once in eighty years? Sounds about right.”
July 27, 2008 – Gordon MacKenzie, 24, of Glasgow, Scotland is in stable condition at New York Methodist Hospital, after being hit by a MTA New York City Transit bus near Borough Hall in Downtown Brooklyn yesterday.
“Somehow he didn’t break anything,” said FDNY paramedic Joseph Larsen, who was first on the scene. “He got bruised up pretty badly, but if that bus was going faster he’d be a goner.”
Witnesses described MacKenzie as looking perfectly normal, but then screaming in terror after pointing at a blue recycling bin near the steps of Borough Hall. Samantha Nardone of Bay Ridge told the Limes, “He was just walking along then he had a look of terror on his face, pointed to the recycling can screamed ‘It is a Dalek, we’re all dead!’ Then he just ran in out on to Court Street and got hit. If it wasn’t for that double parked armored car, the bus driver would have seen him. How can anyone mistake a trash can for an alien monster?”
Sgt. Dorian Lockhart of the NYPD Highway Patrol suspected that an illegal sound truck for a pest control service may have caused the mishap, “A truck with an illegal speaker set up was stopped at the light. The first word on their tape was ‘exterminate,’ which everyone knows is the Dalek catch phrase. We cited the owner for the sound system and there will be no charges filed.”
A U. N. I. T. press release assured that there is no such thing as Daleks and “if there were, we would take the proper action to deal with the threat.”
July 20, 2008 – For decades, straphangers wanting to be funny removed and ripped a wet paint sign in half then tore the “P” in paint off and placed it back on the support column, wall or other surface they initially got the sign from so it would read “AINT WET”. When Williamsburg resident Ryan Clarke did this at the Metropolitan Avenue station on the G line, yesterday evening, he committed the one billionth occurrence of this act of humorous vandalism. Moments after he was finished this historic act, his companion Rachel Lee, also of Williamsburg, remarked, “That is funny, because the paint isn’t wet anymore.”
It is estimated that several hundred additional people got at least a chuckle out of the modified sign. “I have seen that a thousand times and it is still funny,” said Tanya Jackson of Flatbush after witnessing Clarke’s handiwork hours later.
A MTA New York City Transit spokesperson told The Limes via e-mail, “We don’t condone this behavior, but we have no problem with people doing this, as long as the paint is not wet. If it is wet, then some customer may accidentally get paint on their clothes.” The NYPD also expressed similar concerns about the potential of accidental paint transfer, but noted that it was still “technically considered vandalism.”
July 6, 2008 – Swedish home furnishings mega retailer Ikea and the Metropolitan Transportation Authority have announced an agreement for the funding, sponsorship and the completion of the Second Avenue Subway.
Ikea engineers estimate the cost will be several times lower than conventional subway construction since their modular Ölaff subway system is currently on sale. Several other cities have used the Ölaff and were quite happy until they could afford a subway they didn’t have to put together themselves. One city, Philadelphia, was not able to figure out the instructions and wound up with a bookcase instead. It is estimated that the Second Avenue project will require over ten million Allen wrenches for completion.