August 10, 2008 – After making several anti-Guido comments last month, Belmar Mayor Ken Pringle was forced by several Staten Island Guidos to visit the island borough. Pringle was forced to ride the Staten Island Ferry without returning to Manhattan once it docked, visit several Italian restaurants, patronize several strip clubs, and take a tour of the island’s most famous attraction - the site of the former Fresh Kills Landfill.

In his July 4th newsletter, Pringle called the Guidos “welcome as, oh, Canada Geese” in Belmar as well as several true statements about the women of Staten Island and blondes. “They couldn’t handle the truth,” Pringle said after a harrowing several hours in Richmond County. “What does being honest get me? A trip to [expletive deleted] Staten Island. All it did was show all the stereotypes were true.”

The Limes attempted to contact Acting Governor Dick Codey for comment, but we were told that he is, “down the shore this week.”

August 10, 2008 – The Brooklyn Institute for the Study of Educational Mathematics (BISEM) has released the results of a five year study on the effectiveness of teaching calculus in schools. The results of the study were quite a shock to many mathematicians and education professionals. Less than one percent of the population of the United States actually has a need for calculus.

Mathematics professor at Hudson University, Dr. Jacques Mauvais, was astonished to hear the news, “Doesn’t everyone use calculus on a daily basis? It is quite useful for solving your everyday differential equations.”

Detective Kevin Clarke of the NYPD’s Fraud Squad told The Limes as he was arresting Mauvais for passing several thousands of dollars worth of bad checks, “This is the fourth math professor I busted this week for bad checks. You’d expect that someone who deals with all this fancy pants math would be able to balance their checkbook. God forbid anyone teaches anything normal people would actually use in college.”

The BISEM study reflected Detective Clarke’s street wisdom showing that 97% of all people who took calculus classes were not able to simply balance a checkbook. It also revealed that just 0.98% of the population actually use calculus at least once a week.

BISEM director Dr. Irene Luggo felt that there was no need to change what was taught in schools and colleges, “If anything we need to add more higher mathematics for every student. I am sure that our study made a typographical error and really says 98% of people use it daily.”

“If our children don’t learn calculus how else will they be able to solve the everyday challenge of finding a derivative? It is more important than balancing a checkbook. Who needs to do something as silly as that?”

Detective Clarke responded to Luggo’s rhetorical question as he entered her office to arrest her on charges of passing bad checks, “You. If you had gotten out of your ivory tower you would have some idea how much money you had in the bank. It is really simple. Now you’ll have plenty of time to figure out how to do it at Rikers.”

August 3, 2008 – Borrowing a page from the MTA’s popular Nostalgia Trains in the subway system, the NYPD will be starting a Flashback Friday program starting next month.

Every Friday, a selected precinct will have its officers will dress in vintage uniforms and drive vintage vehicles. As a concession to safety and contractual obligations, all officers participating will have modern radios, safety devices, and weapons.

At a One Police Plaza news conference, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said of the program, “This is a new way for the department to engage with the community and give them a first hand look at the NYPD’s history.” Kelly dismissed the accusation that it was a way to shift the light away from ongoing investigations into alleged brutality. “This is just a new form of community policing.”

Patrick Lynch, president of the Patrolman’s Benevolent Association was skeptical of the plan, “I really don’t see how it will do anything except make our members look like they are in some sort of costume drama. It seems more like a publicity stunt than anything else.”

August 3, 2008 – MTA New York City Transit officials are puzzled by data that shows that last Tuesday the 5:35 p.m. southbound train from the Court Square station actually ran on time. The Brooklyn-Queens crosstown line, which opened for full service in 1937 as the IND GG train, had never seen an on time train until last week.

NYC Transit President Howard Roberts Jr. told The Limes, “This is obviously an anomaly and we are working hard to correct it. The G train is well known for its spotty service record. We need to live up to our customer’s expectations and make sure the G runs with its usual inefficiency and delays. ”

A sampling of regular G train riders were shocked to hear of a train running on time. “I have to wait like twenty minutes before it comes,” said Sarah Lewis of Greenpoint. “Can’t they screw up and get it running on time all the time?”

Harvey Green of Long Island City remarked, “Once in eighty years? Sounds about right.”

July 27, 2008 – Mister Softee, the beloved spokesman and CEO of the Mister Softee Corporation, was severely wounded in an assassination attempt in Sunset Park early yesterday evening. NYPD officers found Softee in the back of his truck with multiple bullet wounds in a melting state. Doctors at Lutheran Medical Center list Softee in critical, but semi-melted condition.

NYPD detectives from the 72nd Precinct and the Desert Bureau have listed Softy Man as the prime suspect. Detective Brian Holstien of the Desert Bureau who is working with precinct detectives told the Limes, “Softy Man is trying to muscle in on the legitimate soft ice cream and frozen novelties business. We suspect that Softy Man is trying through intimidation and violence gain control of the city’s mobile iced refreshments trade. We need to work quickly to prevent further bloodshed.”

Several witnesses reported an ice cream truck that looked like a Mister Softee truck, but wasn’t exactly fleeing the area at a high rate of speed. The NYPD asks any witnesses or those who know the whereabouts of Softy Man to contact the NYPD Desert Bureau immediately. They also ask that you do not approach Softy Man as he is believed to have a special ice cream that causes an immediate brain freeze.

July 27, 2008 – Gordon MacKenzie, 24, of Glasgow, Scotland is in stable condition at New York Methodist Hospital, after being hit by a MTA New York City Transit bus near Borough Hall in Downtown Brooklyn yesterday.

“Somehow he didn’t break anything,” said FDNY paramedic Joseph Larsen, who was first on the scene. “He got bruised up pretty badly, but if that bus was going faster he’d be a goner.”

Witnesses described MacKenzie as looking perfectly normal, but then screaming in terror after pointing at a blue recycling bin near the steps of Borough Hall. Samantha Nardone of Bay Ridge told the Limes, “He was just walking along then he had a look of terror on his face, pointed to the recycling can screamed ‘It is a Dalek, we’re all dead!’ Then he just ran in out on to Court Street and got hit. If it wasn’t for that double parked armored car, the bus driver would have seen him. How can anyone mistake a trash can for an alien monster?”

Sgt. Dorian Lockhart of the NYPD Highway Patrol suspected that an illegal sound truck for a pest control service may have caused the mishap, “A truck with an illegal speaker set up was stopped at the light. The first word on their tape was ‘exterminate,’ which everyone knows is the Dalek catch phrase. We cited the owner for the sound system and there will be no charges filed.”

A U. N. I. T. press release assured that there is no such thing as Daleks and “if there were, we would take the proper action to deal with the threat.”

July 20, 2008 – For decades, straphangers wanting to be funny removed and ripped a wet paint sign in half then tore the “P” in paint off and placed it back on the support column, wall or other surface they initially got the sign from so it would read “AINT WET”. When Williamsburg resident Ryan Clarke did this at the Metropolitan Avenue station on the G line, yesterday evening, he committed the one billionth occurrence of this act of humorous vandalism. Moments after he was finished this historic act, his companion Rachel Lee, also of Williamsburg, remarked, “That is funny, because the paint isn’t wet anymore.”

It is estimated that several hundred additional people got at least a chuckle out of the modified sign. “I have seen that a thousand times and it is still funny,” said Tanya Jackson of Flatbush after witnessing Clarke’s handiwork hours later.

A MTA New York City Transit spokesperson told The Limes via e-mail, “We don’t condone this behavior, but we have no problem with people doing this, as long as the paint is not wet. If it is wet, then some customer may accidentally get paint on their clothes.” The NYPD also expressed similar concerns about the potential of accidental paint transfer, but noted that it was still “technically considered vandalism.”

July 13, 2008 – In the spring of 2008, Six Flags, operator of Great Adventure in New Jersey, began airing ads for the theme park featuring a stereotypical Asian male with a comically stereotypical Asian accent. Amazingly, Councilman John Liu (District 20, D) has not spoken out about the ads.

Liu’s behavior was a surprise, given his vigorous defense of the Asian-American community, to many City Council observers and insiders. It was expected that Liu would have at least issued a press release about the ad.

“I would have expected him to have pounced on it, since it is a national ad campaign. It would have gotten Liu some national exposure,” said one City Hall insider. “I’m not even Asian and I am offended by these ads, “said another.

A high ranking member of the City Council told the Limes, “We all know he is going to be running for mayor so why would he turn down free publicity?”

The Limes was unable to speak with anyone in Liu’s office about the matter. A spokesperson for Six Flags told The Limes in a stereotypical Asian accent, “More flags, more fun.”

July 6, 2008 – New York City Police detectives are wondering why anyone would steal a dented and rusted blue four-dour 1987 Chevrolet Nova from an East Village street. “This is not the kind of car that anyone would steal,” said Detective Samuel Hunt of the 9th Precinct. “Who in their right mind would take that car for a joy ride”? It is probably scrap right now and it is maybe worth a couple hundred from a junkyard. That is more than what the insurance would pay out.”

The car’s owner, artist Jennifer Johnson, was also puzzled about the theft, “Who would want that old rust bucket? Even though my grandmother gave it to me twelve years ago it doesn’t have any sentimental value. I maybe use it ten times a year to haul stuff. Who really needs a car in the city?”

The Novas of the 1960s and 1970s have some value with automobile collectors and “hot rodders.” However, the mid-1980s versions were just rebadged Toyotas and were never popular. When asked about the 1987 Nova, noted car expert Jeremy Clarkson called the car “absolute rubbish.”

July 6, 2008 – Swedish home furnishings mega retailer Ikea and the Metropolitan Transportation Authority have announced an agreement for the funding, sponsorship and the completion of the Second Avenue Subway.

Ikea engineers estimate the cost will be several times lower than conventional subway construction since their modular Ölaff subway system is currently on sale. Several other cities have used the Ölaff and were quite happy until they could afford a subway they didn’t have to put together themselves. One city, Philadelphia, was not able to figure out the instructions and wound up with a bookcase instead. It is estimated that the Second Avenue project will require over ten million Allen wrenches for completion.