August 10, 2008 – The Brooklyn Institute for the Study of Educational Mathematics (BISEM) has released the results of a five year study on the effectiveness of teaching calculus in schools. The results of the study were quite a shock to many mathematicians and education professionals. Less than one percent of the population of the United States actually has a need for calculus.

Mathematics professor at Hudson University, Dr. Jacques Mauvais, was astonished to hear the news, “Doesn’t everyone use calculus on a daily basis? It is quite useful for solving your everyday differential equations.”

Detective Kevin Clarke of the NYPD’s Fraud Squad told The Limes as he was arresting Mauvais for passing several thousands of dollars worth of bad checks, “This is the fourth math professor I busted this week for bad checks. You’d expect that someone who deals with all this fancy pants math would be able to balance their checkbook. God forbid anyone teaches anything normal people would actually use in college.”

The BISEM study reflected Detective Clarke’s street wisdom showing that 97% of all people who took calculus classes were not able to simply balance a checkbook. It also revealed that just 0.98% of the population actually use calculus at least once a week.

BISEM director Dr. Irene Luggo felt that there was no need to change what was taught in schools and colleges, “If anything we need to add more higher mathematics for every student. I am sure that our study made a typographical error and really says 98% of people use it daily.”

“If our children don’t learn calculus how else will they be able to solve the everyday challenge of finding a derivative? It is more important than balancing a checkbook. Who needs to do something as silly as that?”

Detective Clarke responded to Luggo’s rhetorical question as he entered her office to arrest her on charges of passing bad checks, “You. If you had gotten out of your ivory tower you would have some idea how much money you had in the bank. It is really simple. Now you’ll have plenty of time to figure out how to do it at Rikers.”

August 3, 2008 – Borrowing a page from the MTA’s popular Nostalgia Trains in the subway system, the NYPD will be starting a Flashback Friday program starting next month.

Every Friday, a selected precinct will have its officers will dress in vintage uniforms and drive vintage vehicles. As a concession to safety and contractual obligations, all officers participating will have modern radios, safety devices, and weapons.

At a One Police Plaza news conference, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said of the program, “This is a new way for the department to engage with the community and give them a first hand look at the NYPD’s history.” Kelly dismissed the accusation that it was a way to shift the light away from ongoing investigations into alleged brutality. “This is just a new form of community policing.”

Patrick Lynch, president of the Patrolman’s Benevolent Association was skeptical of the plan, “I really don’t see how it will do anything except make our members look like they are in some sort of costume drama. It seems more like a publicity stunt than anything else.”

July 27, 2008 – Mister Softee, the beloved spokesman and CEO of the Mister Softee Corporation, was severely wounded in an assassination attempt in Sunset Park early yesterday evening. NYPD officers found Softee in the back of his truck with multiple bullet wounds in a melting state. Doctors at Lutheran Medical Center list Softee in critical, but semi-melted condition.

NYPD detectives from the 72nd Precinct and the Desert Bureau have listed Softy Man as the prime suspect. Detective Brian Holstien of the Desert Bureau who is working with precinct detectives told the Limes, “Softy Man is trying to muscle in on the legitimate soft ice cream and frozen novelties business. We suspect that Softy Man is trying through intimidation and violence gain control of the city’s mobile iced refreshments trade. We need to work quickly to prevent further bloodshed.”

Several witnesses reported an ice cream truck that looked like a Mister Softee truck, but wasn’t exactly fleeing the area at a high rate of speed. The NYPD asks any witnesses or those who know the whereabouts of Softy Man to contact the NYPD Desert Bureau immediately. They also ask that you do not approach Softy Man as he is believed to have a special ice cream that causes an immediate brain freeze.

July 20, 2008 – A man identified by police as Arvin Harrowman, 24, of Massapequa was found dead in a Westbury bicycle shop early this morning, apparently the victim of a hit and run driver. Harrowman, who was dressed in a Superman costume, was found impaled on a display of Kryptonite bicycle locks in the window.

Nassau County Police Detective Robert Blutarsky said a news conference, “This is the forty-seventh ironic death in the county this year. Of those sixteen were homicides. The ironic death of Mr. Harrowman brings us over last years count. If things continue, we could have close to a hundred ironic deaths in the county this year.”

Nassau County Executive Thomas Suozzi asked citizens to stay calm, “There is no reason to get upset over the increase in ironic deaths. Just be smart and try to avoid irony. I am directing the police to form an anti-irony task force to deal with the increase in irony. We all must be vigilant and I suggest that we all increase the use of allegory.”

Hicksville resident Amy Bonazzi’s reaction was typical of county residents, “Irony, that is like where two words are spelled alike, but mean the same thing? Or is that simile or is it palindrome?”

July 13, 2008 – Dozens of citizens going about their business chastised the Pendergrast family of Zaleski, Ohio for blocking the sidewalk in front of the Tweed Courthouse, inconveniencing many pedestrians. The family of five stood in front of the Chambers Street building to gape at the filming of Law & Order across the street yesterday afternoon.

“They just were standing there mesmerized by the film crew. Everybody who had to maneuver past them said something. ” said witness Michelle Quinn of Bayside who was eating her lunch on the steps of the Tweed Courthouse.

Hannah Greenberg of Park Slope was stunned by their behavior, “It was strange how they were completely taken with a normal everyday event. They were even talking pictures and video.”

After about ten minutes of gaping and snide comments from dozens of annoyed passers by, the police were finally summoned. The family of five was told to move on by a team of heavily armed Emergency Service Unit officers. Police Commissioner Kelly said of the incident, “Tourist gawking is a problem that we want to get under control. It really affects the quality of life in the city.”

July 13, 2008 – An official multi-million dollar State of New Jersey poll of 50,000 state residents released yesterday showed that Acting Governor Richard “Dick” Codey is the most popular governor in the history of the Garden State. Codey received an amazing 97% in the poll.

“The conventional wisdom was that Thomas “Tom” Kean would be the most popular, due to those New Jersey and you tourism ads from the 80s,” said Victor “Vic” Torian, director of the New Jersey Department of Statistics and Billboard Management. “He finished a distant second at only 3%. As that great New Jersey resident Yogi Berra said, ‘It ain’t over ‘til it’s over!’”

According to several Trenton insiders, Codey’s regular Joe style and the accidental way he kept becoming Acting Governor were probably the two biggest things that made him so popular. One high ranking state senate member told The Limes, “There was some talk of making him Acting Governor for life. He knows how to bring the state together.”

There hasn’t been any word from Acting Governor Codey, probably due to him being down the shore for the week.

July 6, 2008 – New York City Police detectives are wondering why anyone would steal a dented and rusted blue four-dour 1987 Chevrolet Nova from an East Village street. “This is not the kind of car that anyone would steal,” said Detective Samuel Hunt of the 9th Precinct. “Who in their right mind would take that car for a joy ride”? It is probably scrap right now and it is maybe worth a couple hundred from a junkyard. That is more than what the insurance would pay out.”

The car’s owner, artist Jennifer Johnson, was also puzzled about the theft, “Who would want that old rust bucket? Even though my grandmother gave it to me twelve years ago it doesn’t have any sentimental value. I maybe use it ten times a year to haul stuff. Who really needs a car in the city?”

The Novas of the 1960s and 1970s have some value with automobile collectors and “hot rodders.” However, the mid-1980s versions were just rebadged Toyotas and were never popular. When asked about the 1987 Nova, noted car expert Jeremy Clarkson called the car “absolute rubbish.”