July 27, 2008 – Mister Softee, the beloved spokesman and CEO of the Mister Softee Corporation, was severely wounded in an assassination attempt in Sunset Park early yesterday evening. NYPD officers found Softee in the back of his truck with multiple bullet wounds in a melting state. Doctors at Lutheran Medical Center list Softee in critical, but semi-melted condition.

NYPD detectives from the 72nd Precinct and the Desert Bureau have listed Softy Man as the prime suspect. Detective Brian Holstien of the Desert Bureau who is working with precinct detectives told the Limes, “Softy Man is trying to muscle in on the legitimate soft ice cream and frozen novelties business. We suspect that Softy Man is trying through intimidation and violence gain control of the city’s mobile iced refreshments trade. We need to work quickly to prevent further bloodshed.”

Several witnesses reported an ice cream truck that looked like a Mister Softee truck, but wasn’t exactly fleeing the area at a high rate of speed. The NYPD asks any witnesses or those who know the whereabouts of Softy Man to contact the NYPD Desert Bureau immediately. They also ask that you do not approach Softy Man as he is believed to have a special ice cream that causes an immediate brain freeze.

July 13, 2008 – A year ago, Thomas MacDonough opened his St. Marks Place restaurant Mmm… Toast to rave reviews. Toast enthusiasts from throughout the world flocked to the small East Village eatery to sample hundreds of toast and topping combinations. In the past few months the herd thinned and thinned quickly.

“At first we had about 250 people a day come in,” said MacDonough surveying the empty tables dressed in an “I Love Toast” t-shirt and jeans. “Now we are lucky to get ten a week and half of them want change for the parking meter. We give more to City Harvest than we do to paying customers. After this Sunday no more toast.”

A few die hards, including Becky Gunderson of Williamsburg, are planning a “Toast In” on the last day. According to Gunderson, “We are going to get at least 50 people, maybe more if I can get enough Facebook friends to turn out.”

MacDonough plans to sell the 25 1950s vintage toasters used for toasting bread in order to help finance his next project in the space – The Water Bar. “It will have bottled waters from throughout the world. I already have 470 lined up. Hopefully everything will be in place by next Wednesday.”