July 27, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today that the Universe is restabilizing after weeks of being in highly unstable state due to the Philadelphia Phillies being in first place of the National League Eastern Division. When the Mets defeated the Phillies, knocking the dangerous baseball club out of first place last week, order was restored to the universe.
“This anomaly happens from time to time, sometimes putting the entire fabric of the Space Time Continuum in jeopardy,” said Dr. Eugene Woodling director of the AAPA. “The most serious breach that almost led to Universal destruction occurred on October 21, 1980 when the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series. We came pretty close, but the 1981 baseball strike repaired most of the fissures, although the team’s 1983 World Series appearance caused some more damage. The natural state of the team is to not win. When they win, it throws the universe out of balance. That is why they have the most losses of any team in history.”
As for the worst team in the history of professional sports 1993 World Series appearance, Woodling has an explanation, “There were no adverse effects to the Universe then, only positive ones. The working theory is due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle a situation developed where the fans of the Phillies needed to be reminded that the team does not deserve to win and they should switch teams to one that will not do damage to the Universe.”
A special commendation has been given to the New York Mets by the AAPA for their recent efforts. However, Dr. Woodling warns, “The Mets and the rest of the National League need to be vigilant and defeat the Phillies when they play them. The ramifications of the Phillies winning the division and the Mets not could cause some serious problems. Thankfully last year’s resolved itself quickly during the playoffs and tragedy was averted.”
July 27, 2008 – If you have been a television critic for the last fifty-two years then you would know how hard it is to not watch these so-called reality shows without getting drunk. I know what reality is and you people don’t put it on your channels. Buzz Aldrin going to the Moon now that was reality. It wasn’t faked on a soundstage in Nevada, now that is crazy talk.
As I look at this bottle of Jack Daniels which I have been making more empty as I am sitting here writing this and watching America’s Stupidest Pets on Fox. . . uhn,l;,gvb ,m, gxvbg v65tyhp’[;
Sorry I passed out on the keyboard. Now what was I saying. The Democrats, they are all Communists. No that isn’t right. What was it now?
The Dick VanDyke Show. That was a disappointment. No dicks, vans, or dykes. Wait that isn’t right either.
What the hell was I am talking about. Drunk. That is it. This one time Roger Grimsby and I went to this bar on 65th Street and there were these two redheads. . .
That isn’t right. Oh, reality shows. I have to be really drunk so I can watch them because they are so stupid. I am now on my fourth bottle of Jack Daniels and there are 42 minutes left in the show. God, Roger Grimsby was never this drunk.
Why do you have to have the reality shows? I can only hold so much liquor and be able to type. Please stop and put professional bowling back on.
Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.
July 20, 2008 – Did you watch the All Star Game on Fox last Tuesday? Sure we all did unless you are one of the rich suits who can afford the $1000 ticket to the game. Those rich bastards missed out on some of the best commentary on the sport of baseball by the greatest baseball announcer in the history of the game – Tim McCarver.
Where can I start? The man was probably the greatest catcher in the history of baseball. He was so talented they won’t put him in the Hall of Fame because his greatness would overshadow everyone else. He had that much true talent.
McCarver knows how to use the English language. He puts Shakespeare to shame. He even comes up with new words! I can never forget the day he came up with the word splate. Tim said about the great breakthrough in the English language, “I got my ‘splitter’ and my ‘plate’ mixed up and kind of called it a ‘splate.’ It’s a new word I made up.” Splate, that is the mark of a true wordsmith. Did Shakespeare come up with any new words? Methinks not.
He is an expert on baseball. I am sure you remember this brilliant insight from 2005 when he said, “There is a world of difference between a count of one ball and two strikes is a lot different situation than hitting with two strikes and one ball.” Or maybe this from 2006, “Pitching is such a vital part of the game, as far as winning is concerned.” Pure genius.
Tim McCarver, coupled with Fox’s incredibly wonderful coverage of baseball made the All Star Game a sheer delight. He is much better than someone like Vin Scully and obviously more intelligent because of McCarver’s unique grasp of the obvious and fearlessness in mentioning it.
In my fifty-two years of television criticisms I have never found a better announcer!
I’ll leave you with some words of inspiration from the great man, “One thing about ground balls. They don’t go out of the ball park.”
Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.
July 13, 2008 – In the spring of 2008, Six Flags, operator of Great Adventure in New Jersey, began airing ads for the theme park featuring a stereotypical Asian male with a comically stereotypical Asian accent. Amazingly, Councilman John Liu (District 20, D) has not spoken out about the ads.
Liu’s behavior was a surprise, given his vigorous defense of the Asian-American community, to many City Council observers and insiders. It was expected that Liu would have at least issued a press release about the ad.
“I would have expected him to have pounced on it, since it is a national ad campaign. It would have gotten Liu some national exposure,” said one City Hall insider. “I’m not even Asian and I am offended by these ads, “said another.
A high ranking member of the City Council told the Limes, “We all know he is going to be running for mayor so why would he turn down free publicity?”
The Limes was unable to speak with anyone in Liu’s office about the matter. A spokesperson for Six Flags told The Limes in a stereotypical Asian accent, “More flags, more fun.”
June 29, 2008 - Wow. That is all I have to say about CSI:NY.
It has to be about the most accurate show about the NYPD ever. They get everything so perfectly right and they get access to places that we would never see normally. How ever did they get to film in the Statue of Liberty? By being the best show on television ever, that’s how!
I am still trying to figure out some of the places they film the show, but the city is so big I may never find them. I had the same trouble with NYPD Blue and Kojak, too. A lot of these places look familiar, but I can’t place them.
I hardly ever see them filming, unlike the awful Law & Order shows which are constantly getting in the way of where I am going and keeping me awake at night. Not getting in people’s way when filming makes the show even better. I don’t know how they do it, but it is amazing.
The acting on the show is great and they don’t seem to get the same people you see on Law & Order which makes things even better. It is like they are finding a totally different pool of actors thousands of miles away. That really helps a lot.
In my fifty-two years of television criticisms I have never found a better show!
Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.
June 29, 2008 - At a news conference at 30 Rockefeller Center on Friday, NBC executives and Law & Order producer Dick Wolf announced that a new addition to the Law & Order franchise would debut next season as a midseason replacement.
The new show, Law & Order: Traffic Enforcement Unit, will chronicle the men and women of the NYPD’s Traffic division. Wolf spoke of his inspiration for the show, “I was visiting a location set of Law & Order and I had the proper placard and this bitch of a traffic agent gave me a ticket. Of course I fought the damn thing and won. The whole process made me think that this would be a good idea for a show.”
Only one cast member has been announced so far, Richard Moll as the traffic court judge. As with the other Law & Order series, the show will be filmed entirely on location in New York.