August 10, 2008 – The Brooklyn Institute for the Study of Educational Mathematics (BISEM) has released the results of a five year study on the effectiveness of teaching calculus in schools. The results of the study were quite a shock to many mathematicians and education professionals. Less than one percent of the population of the United States actually has a need for calculus.

Mathematics professor at Hudson University, Dr. Jacques Mauvais, was astonished to hear the news, “Doesn’t everyone use calculus on a daily basis? It is quite useful for solving your everyday differential equations.”

Detective Kevin Clarke of the NYPD’s Fraud Squad told The Limes as he was arresting Mauvais for passing several thousands of dollars worth of bad checks, “This is the fourth math professor I busted this week for bad checks. You’d expect that someone who deals with all this fancy pants math would be able to balance their checkbook. God forbid anyone teaches anything normal people would actually use in college.”

The BISEM study reflected Detective Clarke’s street wisdom showing that 97% of all people who took calculus classes were not able to simply balance a checkbook. It also revealed that just 0.98% of the population actually use calculus at least once a week.

BISEM director Dr. Irene Luggo felt that there was no need to change what was taught in schools and colleges, “If anything we need to add more higher mathematics for every student. I am sure that our study made a typographical error and really says 98% of people use it daily.”

“If our children don’t learn calculus how else will they be able to solve the everyday challenge of finding a derivative? It is more important than balancing a checkbook. Who needs to do something as silly as that?”

Detective Clarke responded to Luggo’s rhetorical question as he entered her office to arrest her on charges of passing bad checks, “You. If you had gotten out of your ivory tower you would have some idea how much money you had in the bank. It is really simple. Now you’ll have plenty of time to figure out how to do it at Rikers.”