August 24, 2008 - The entire staff of The New York Limes is suffering from what experts are calling Cronenberg Syndrome. The malady is quite painful and makes one feel as if their head is going to explode, as seen in the 1981 David Cronenberg film Scanners.

The Lime’s chief television critic, Larry Rawson says, “I know how to handle the situation. Bourbon. Plenty of bourbon. Bourbon cures everything.” Other staffers were less optimistic and are hoping to get an appointment with otolaryngologist before their heads explode from the pressure.