August 10, 2008 – Local Cheesheads are facing a tough decision thanks to the New Jersey Jets acquisition of former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Farve.

The thoughts Becky Gunderson of Greenpoint, but originally from Manitowoc, Wisconsin, reflects the quandary of most local Cheeseheads, “I don’t know what to do. I love Brett, but I am loyal to the Packers. This is really tough, and so.”

Hoboken resident and Green Bay native Norbert Jacobsen suggested a compromise solution, “I’ll root for the Packers as always, but I’ll root for Brett as long as the Jets aren’t playing us. Plus they are in the other conference. The Jets aren’t on the schedule this year, but there is always the Super Bowl.”

Another Wisconsin transplant, Mary Sullivan, who leads tours in New York and New Jersey following the path of legendary Packers coach Vince Lombardi, said, “I don’t plan to add Giants Stadium to the tour. Farve was an important figure in the history of the Packers, but not as important as Vince. It is funny how that there is now another New York and New Jersey connection to the Packers, but this time in reverse.”

No local Cheesehead The Limes talked to wavered in their loyalty to the Packers. Almost all of them called it “a sacred covenant” between the fans and team.

August 10, 2008 – An unidentified man is in serious condition at New York Methodist Hospital, after being hit by a MTA New York City Transit B41 bus on Flatbush Avenue near Prospect Park yesterday.

The man, who witnesses described as agitated, was heard yelling over and over, “I don’t care about the Americans. I want to watch the best of the world not just Americans. If I want jingoism I’ll watch Fox News! Someone shut Bob Costas up please! NBC can’t do the Olympics right! I need to stop the pain.”

“He was yelling something about Fox News and the Olympics and he hurled himself in front of the bus. I didn’t even know they were still doing the Olympics anymore. There are always some nutter who get too worked up about sports. The TV has an off button you know,” said witness Hannah Schwartz of Park Slope.

“The guy was lucky that that bus was only going about five miles per hour. Otherwise it would have been lights out,” said NYPD Highway Patrol officer Stephan O’Toole. “Who gets worked up over the Olympics anymore?”

The Limes chief television critic, Larry Rawson, said of the NBC coverage, “Who cares about those damn foreigners. They all hate America. NBC does it right by focusing on the Americans like a good American should.”

NBC did not issue a response to repeated inquires by The Limes.

August 10, 2008 – After making several anti-Guido comments last month, Belmar Mayor Ken Pringle was forced by several Staten Island Guidos to visit the island borough. Pringle was forced to ride the Staten Island Ferry without returning to Manhattan once it docked, visit several Italian restaurants, patronize several strip clubs, and take a tour of the island’s most famous attraction - the site of the former Fresh Kills Landfill.

In his July 4th newsletter, Pringle called the Guidos “welcome as, oh, Canada Geese” in Belmar as well as several true statements about the women of Staten Island and blondes. “They couldn’t handle the truth,” Pringle said after a harrowing several hours in Richmond County. “What does being honest get me? A trip to [expletive deleted] Staten Island. All it did was show all the stereotypes were true.”

The Limes attempted to contact Acting Governor Dick Codey for comment, but we were told that he is, “down the shore this week.”

August 10, 2008 – The Brooklyn Institute for the Study of Educational Mathematics (BISEM) has released the results of a five year study on the effectiveness of teaching calculus in schools. The results of the study were quite a shock to many mathematicians and education professionals. Less than one percent of the population of the United States actually has a need for calculus.

Mathematics professor at Hudson University, Dr. Jacques Mauvais, was astonished to hear the news, “Doesn’t everyone use calculus on a daily basis? It is quite useful for solving your everyday differential equations.”

Detective Kevin Clarke of the NYPD’s Fraud Squad told The Limes as he was arresting Mauvais for passing several thousands of dollars worth of bad checks, “This is the fourth math professor I busted this week for bad checks. You’d expect that someone who deals with all this fancy pants math would be able to balance their checkbook. God forbid anyone teaches anything normal people would actually use in college.”

The BISEM study reflected Detective Clarke’s street wisdom showing that 97% of all people who took calculus classes were not able to simply balance a checkbook. It also revealed that just 0.98% of the population actually use calculus at least once a week.

BISEM director Dr. Irene Luggo felt that there was no need to change what was taught in schools and colleges, “If anything we need to add more higher mathematics for every student. I am sure that our study made a typographical error and really says 98% of people use it daily.”

“If our children don’t learn calculus how else will they be able to solve the everyday challenge of finding a derivative? It is more important than balancing a checkbook. Who needs to do something as silly as that?”

Detective Clarke responded to Luggo’s rhetorical question as he entered her office to arrest her on charges of passing bad checks, “You. If you had gotten out of your ivory tower you would have some idea how much money you had in the bank. It is really simple. Now you’ll have plenty of time to figure out how to do it at Rikers.”