August 24, 2008 - The entire staff of The New York Limes is suffering from what experts are calling Cronenberg Syndrome. The malady is quite painful and makes one feel as if their head is going to explode, as seen in the 1981 David Cronenberg film Scanners.
The Lime’s chief television critic, Larry Rawson says, “I know how to handle the situation. Bourbon. Plenty of bourbon. Bourbon cures everything.” Other staffers were less optimistic and are hoping to get an appointment with otolaryngologist before their heads explode from the pressure.
August 17, 2008 – Members of the media throughout the Tri-State area have been quite bored the past week with absolutely nothing happening. According to one media insider, “Everyone is on vacation. It is typical for the middle of August for absolutely nothing to happen.”
The Limes attempted to contact New Jersey Acting Governor Dick Codey for comment, but he was “down the shore this week.”
August 10, 2008 – Local Cheesheads are facing a tough decision thanks to the New Jersey Jets acquisition of former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Farve.
The thoughts Becky Gunderson of Greenpoint, but originally from Manitowoc, Wisconsin, reflects the quandary of most local Cheeseheads, “I don’t know what to do. I love Brett, but I am loyal to the Packers. This is really tough, and so.”
Hoboken resident and Green Bay native Norbert Jacobsen suggested a compromise solution, “I’ll root for the Packers as always, but I’ll root for Brett as long as the Jets aren’t playing us. Plus they are in the other conference. The Jets aren’t on the schedule this year, but there is always the Super Bowl.”
Another Wisconsin transplant, Mary Sullivan, who leads tours in New York and New Jersey following the path of legendary Packers coach Vince Lombardi, said, “I don’t plan to add Giants Stadium to the tour. Farve was an important figure in the history of the Packers, but not as important as Vince. It is funny how that there is now another New York and New Jersey connection to the Packers, but this time in reverse.”
No local Cheesehead The Limes talked to wavered in their loyalty to the Packers. Almost all of them called it “a sacred covenant” between the fans and team.
August 10, 2008 – An unidentified man is in serious condition at New York Methodist Hospital, after being hit by a MTA New York City Transit B41 bus on Flatbush Avenue near Prospect Park yesterday.
The man, who witnesses described as agitated, was heard yelling over and over, “I don’t care about the Americans. I want to watch the best of the world not just Americans. If I want jingoism I’ll watch Fox News! Someone shut Bob Costas up please! NBC can’t do the Olympics right! I need to stop the pain.”
“He was yelling something about Fox News and the Olympics and he hurled himself in front of the bus. I didn’t even know they were still doing the Olympics anymore. There are always some nutter who get too worked up about sports. The TV has an off button you know,” said witness Hannah Schwartz of Park Slope.
“The guy was lucky that that bus was only going about five miles per hour. Otherwise it would have been lights out,” said NYPD Highway Patrol officer Stephan O’Toole. “Who gets worked up over the Olympics anymore?”
The Limes chief television critic, Larry Rawson, said of the NBC coverage, “Who cares about those damn foreigners. They all hate America. NBC does it right by focusing on the Americans like a good American should.”
NBC did not issue a response to repeated inquires by The Limes.
August 10, 2008 – After making several anti-Guido comments last month, Belmar Mayor Ken Pringle was forced by several Staten Island Guidos to visit the island borough. Pringle was forced to ride the Staten Island Ferry without returning to Manhattan once it docked, visit several Italian restaurants, patronize several strip clubs, and take a tour of the island’s most famous attraction - the site of the former Fresh Kills Landfill.
In his July 4th newsletter, Pringle called the Guidos “welcome as, oh, Canada Geese” in Belmar as well as several true statements about the women of Staten Island and blondes. “They couldn’t handle the truth,” Pringle said after a harrowing several hours in Richmond County. “What does being honest get me? A trip to [expletive deleted] Staten Island. All it did was show all the stereotypes were true.”
The Limes attempted to contact Acting Governor Dick Codey for comment, but we were told that he is, “down the shore this week.”
August 10, 2008 – The Brooklyn Institute for the Study of Educational Mathematics (BISEM) has released the results of a five year study on the effectiveness of teaching calculus in schools. The results of the study were quite a shock to many mathematicians and education professionals. Less than one percent of the population of the United States actually has a need for calculus.
Mathematics professor at Hudson University, Dr. Jacques Mauvais, was astonished to hear the news, “Doesn’t everyone use calculus on a daily basis? It is quite useful for solving your everyday differential equations.”
Detective Kevin Clarke of the NYPD’s Fraud Squad told The Limes as he was arresting Mauvais for passing several thousands of dollars worth of bad checks, “This is the fourth math professor I busted this week for bad checks. You’d expect that someone who deals with all this fancy pants math would be able to balance their checkbook. God forbid anyone teaches anything normal people would actually use in college.”
The BISEM study reflected Detective Clarke’s street wisdom showing that 97% of all people who took calculus classes were not able to simply balance a checkbook. It also revealed that just 0.98% of the population actually use calculus at least once a week.
BISEM director Dr. Irene Luggo felt that there was no need to change what was taught in schools and colleges, “If anything we need to add more higher mathematics for every student. I am sure that our study made a typographical error and really says 98% of people use it daily.”
“If our children don’t learn calculus how else will they be able to solve the everyday challenge of finding a derivative? It is more important than balancing a checkbook. Who needs to do something as silly as that?”
Detective Clarke responded to Luggo’s rhetorical question as he entered her office to arrest her on charges of passing bad checks, “You. If you had gotten out of your ivory tower you would have some idea how much money you had in the bank. It is really simple. Now you’ll have plenty of time to figure out how to do it at Rikers.”
August 3, 2008 – Borrowing a page from the MTA’s popular Nostalgia Trains in the subway system, the NYPD will be starting a Flashback Friday program starting next month.
Every Friday, a selected precinct will have its officers will dress in vintage uniforms and drive vintage vehicles. As a concession to safety and contractual obligations, all officers participating will have modern radios, safety devices, and weapons.
At a One Police Plaza news conference, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said of the program, “This is a new way for the department to engage with the community and give them a first hand look at the NYPD’s history.” Kelly dismissed the accusation that it was a way to shift the light away from ongoing investigations into alleged brutality. “This is just a new form of community policing.”
Patrick Lynch, president of the Patrolman’s Benevolent Association was skeptical of the plan, “I really don’t see how it will do anything except make our members look like they are in some sort of costume drama. It seems more like a publicity stunt than anything else.”
August 3, 2008 – MTA New York City Transit officials are puzzled by data that shows that last Tuesday the 5:35 p.m. southbound train from the Court Square station actually ran on time. The Brooklyn-Queens crosstown line, which opened for full service in 1937 as the IND GG train, had never seen an on time train until last week.
NYC Transit President Howard Roberts Jr. told The Limes, “This is obviously an anomaly and we are working hard to correct it. The G train is well known for its spotty service record. We need to live up to our customer’s expectations and make sure the G runs with its usual inefficiency and delays. ”
A sampling of regular G train riders were shocked to hear of a train running on time. “I have to wait like twenty minutes before it comes,” said Sarah Lewis of Greenpoint. “Can’t they screw up and get it running on time all the time?”
Harvey Green of Long Island City remarked, “Once in eighty years? Sounds about right.”
August 3, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today at a Midtown press conference that the Universe is moving closer to “ultimate destruction” due to the Mets slipping out of first place and the Phillies taking over the top spot in the National League Eastern Division.
Dr. Eugene Woodling, director of the AAPA, expressed grave concern, “This could rupture the Space-Time Continuum as we know it. We know the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is coming into play, as well as the lack of a decent Mets bullpen, and we have come up with a device to compensate. We call it a Heisenberg Compensator and have several prototypes already deployed. We can’t get into specifics about the machines, but we have more faith in them than the Mets relief staff. Still this is not as bad as the situation in 1980. At least not yet.”
Mets General Manager Omar Minaya in a conference call told reporters, “Don’t blame our bullpen for putting the universe in peril. It is just baseball and we all know given past history the Phillies are destined to loose. You have to trust me.”
Baseball expert and Fox network commentator Tim McCarver summed up the situation with his usual brilliance, “You have to win games because if you don’t you’ll need to win more.”
August 3, 2008 – The last time an Olympic games had this sort of buzz was back in 1936 at the Berlin games. The way dissidents are being rounded up, minorities repressed, and a whitewash is being put on an evil empire’s capital city is strikingly similar. The efforts of billions of dollars along with the untold millions of dollars were used as bribes to get the International Olympic Committee to legitimize the regime by holding the games in Beijing are finally coming to fruition.
“If one thing these evil regimes have in common it is to create stunning propaganda,” said Ian McKenna, sports director of Human Rights for All. “The Nazis had Leni Riefenstahl to sculpt their message; the ChiComs have NBC which is owned by one of their biggest trading partners General Electric sculpting their message for American consumption.”
Not everyone seems to believe that the Olympics will be a Red Chinese propaganda fest. The Limes chief television critic, Larry Rawson, looks forward to the NBC coverage, “Those ChiCom bastards killed my brother at the Chosin Reservoir, but this is the Olympics. NBC is going to make sure we know and see what every American athlete did. Who cares about these damn foreigners? NBC is doing a much better job than ABC ever did with Jim McKay going on about all these foreigners. NBC knows it isn’t about sports it is about how the Americans do at sports.”
Las Vegas odds makers feel that there is a chance of a massive uprising that will surpass the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989. Vinnie “Jersey Boy” Giocatore, president of the Las Vegas Odds makers Association, said, “The consensus among our members is the odds of a massive uprising are 2 to 1 and a complete revolution 10 to 1. Most of the money is on the PRC government with a spread of plus1000 deaths. My gut tells me something will happen, but I am not sure what.”
Due to The Limes pro-Tibet and anti-Wal-Mart editorial positions, our correspondents were denied access to the games.