July 27, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today that the Universe is restabilizing after weeks of being in highly unstable state due to the Philadelphia Phillies being in first place of the National League Eastern Division. When the Mets defeated the Phillies, knocking the dangerous baseball club out of first place last week, order was restored to the universe.

“This anomaly happens from time to time, sometimes putting the entire fabric of the Space Time Continuum in jeopardy,” said Dr. Eugene Woodling director of the AAPA. “The most serious breach that almost led to Universal destruction occurred on October 21, 1980 when the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series. We came pretty close, but the 1981 baseball strike repaired most of the fissures, although the team’s 1983 World Series appearance caused some more damage. The natural state of the team is to not win. When they win, it throws the universe out of balance. That is why they have the most losses of any team in history.”

As for the worst team in the history of professional sports 1993 World Series appearance, Woodling has an explanation, “There were no adverse effects to the Universe then, only positive ones. The working theory is due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle a situation developed where the fans of the Phillies needed to be reminded that the team does not deserve to win and they should switch teams to one that will not do damage to the Universe.”

A special commendation has been given to the New York Mets by the AAPA for their recent efforts. However, Dr. Woodling warns, “The Mets and the rest of the National League need to be vigilant and defeat the Phillies when they play them. The ramifications of the Phillies winning the division and the Mets not could cause some serious problems. Thankfully last year’s resolved itself quickly during the playoffs and tragedy was averted.”

July 27, 2008 – Mister Softee, the beloved spokesman and CEO of the Mister Softee Corporation, was severely wounded in an assassination attempt in Sunset Park early yesterday evening. NYPD officers found Softee in the back of his truck with multiple bullet wounds in a melting state. Doctors at Lutheran Medical Center list Softee in critical, but semi-melted condition.

NYPD detectives from the 72nd Precinct and the Desert Bureau have listed Softy Man as the prime suspect. Detective Brian Holstien of the Desert Bureau who is working with precinct detectives told the Limes, “Softy Man is trying to muscle in on the legitimate soft ice cream and frozen novelties business. We suspect that Softy Man is trying through intimidation and violence gain control of the city’s mobile iced refreshments trade. We need to work quickly to prevent further bloodshed.”

Several witnesses reported an ice cream truck that looked like a Mister Softee truck, but wasn’t exactly fleeing the area at a high rate of speed. The NYPD asks any witnesses or those who know the whereabouts of Softy Man to contact the NYPD Desert Bureau immediately. They also ask that you do not approach Softy Man as he is believed to have a special ice cream that causes an immediate brain freeze.

July 27, 2008 – New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine returned to the Governor’s Mansion in Princeton yesterday after his successful trip to Israel. The Governor met with Israeli officials and did not pick up any Israeli boy toys. It was an Israeli boy toy that then Governor Jim McGreevey picked up and gave an important homeland security post to which lead to his downfall.

Many Garden State residents were alarmed that the Governor had traveled to the Middle East nation. Joseph Clarke of Saddle River was shocked at the news, “What the hell was he thinking when he went there. Is he trying to prove that he is not Jim McGreevey? We know that already. He isn’t. He is just a crash test dummy. We really need someone like Acting Governor Codey as governor.”

Laurie Easterbrook of Summit was more concerned with the trip overall, “I think he was tempting fate. Just look at what happened to Jim McGreevey. I don’t want anything bad to happen to anybody, but anything to get back Acting Governor Dick Codey would really be welcome!”

One Trenton insider told The Limes, “It is a good thing that Jon doesn’t bat from that side of the plate. Although there are some really hot Israeli women. There were these two sisters I met at a club in Tel Aviv once and bada bing bada boom next thing we know we were in a tank and accidentally invaded Lebanon. But I digress. The general consensus is that since he is returning without anyone extra means that it is a successful trip.”

July 27, 2008 – Gordon MacKenzie, 24, of Glasgow, Scotland is in stable condition at New York Methodist Hospital, after being hit by a MTA New York City Transit bus near Borough Hall in Downtown Brooklyn yesterday.

“Somehow he didn’t break anything,” said FDNY paramedic Joseph Larsen, who was first on the scene. “He got bruised up pretty badly, but if that bus was going faster he’d be a goner.”

Witnesses described MacKenzie as looking perfectly normal, but then screaming in terror after pointing at a blue recycling bin near the steps of Borough Hall. Samantha Nardone of Bay Ridge told the Limes, “He was just walking along then he had a look of terror on his face, pointed to the recycling can screamed ‘It is a Dalek, we’re all dead!’ Then he just ran in out on to Court Street and got hit. If it wasn’t for that double parked armored car, the bus driver would have seen him. How can anyone mistake a trash can for an alien monster?”

Sgt. Dorian Lockhart of the NYPD Highway Patrol suspected that an illegal sound truck for a pest control service may have caused the mishap, “A truck with an illegal speaker set up was stopped at the light. The first word on their tape was ‘exterminate,’ which everyone knows is the Dalek catch phrase. We cited the owner for the sound system and there will be no charges filed.”

A U. N. I. T. press release assured that there is no such thing as Daleks and “if there were, we would take the proper action to deal with the threat.”

July 27, 2008 – If you have been a television critic for the last fifty-two years then you would know how hard it is to not watch these so-called reality shows without getting drunk. I know what reality is and you people don’t put it on your channels. Buzz Aldrin going to the Moon now that was reality. It wasn’t faked on a soundstage in Nevada, now that is crazy talk.

As I look at this bottle of Jack Daniels which I have been making more empty as I am sitting here writing this and watching America’s Stupidest Pets on Fox. . . uhn,l;,gvb ,m, gxvbg v65tyhp’[;

Sorry I passed out on the keyboard. Now what was I saying. The Democrats, they are all Communists. No that isn’t right. What was it now?

The Dick VanDyke Show. That was a disappointment. No dicks, vans, or dykes. Wait that isn’t right either.

What the hell was I am talking about. Drunk. That is it. This one time Roger Grimsby and I went to this bar on 65th Street and there were these two redheads. . .

That isn’t right. Oh, reality shows. I have to be really drunk so I can watch them because they are so stupid. I am now on my fourth bottle of Jack Daniels and there are 42 minutes left in the show. God, Roger Grimsby was never this drunk.

Why do you have to have the reality shows? I can only hold so much liquor and be able to type. Please stop and put professional bowling back on.

Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.