July 6, 2008 - What is going on with A-Rod and his sex life is confusing New Yorkers. Park Slope resident Kate Bryant wondered, “Madonna is having a threesome with Lenny Kravitz and A-Rod?” Lewis Munch of Hoboken thought, “A-Rod is doing it with Madonna and C-Rod in a threesome, right?”

It is not just the fans who are confused with the alleged sexcapades of A-Rod, his wife “C-Rod”, Madonna, Lenny Kravitz, and possibly the entire state of New Hampshire. His teammates are equally confused. “A-Rod, C-Rod, Madonna, and Gladys Kravitz are having a foursome? I think that’s right,” offered pitcher Joba Chamberlain reflecting the views of most of the team.

One long time Yankees staffer that requested anonymity said that it was more confusing than the wife swapping that took place during the 1974 and 1975 seasons. The team finished in second and third place respectively in those years thanks to the off the field liaisons, however most baseball historians blame the team playing at Shea Stadium during those seasons.

Yankees Executive Vice President Hal Steinbrenner in a press release stated, “It is in the best interest of the New York Yankees to profit from this scandal. We are going to not only have a series of specials on YES about A-Rod’s sex life, but are going to be issuing a set of exclusive baseball cards in conjunction with Topps that feature all the players in this scandal.” The cards, expected in about a week, will be sold for $19.95 at Yankee Stadium, the Yankees Clubhouse shops and on the team’s website.

July 6, 2008 – New York City Police detectives are wondering why anyone would steal a dented and rusted blue four-dour 1987 Chevrolet Nova from an East Village street. “This is not the kind of car that anyone would steal,” said Detective Samuel Hunt of the 9th Precinct. “Who in their right mind would take that car for a joy ride”? It is probably scrap right now and it is maybe worth a couple hundred from a junkyard. That is more than what the insurance would pay out.”

The car’s owner, artist Jennifer Johnson, was also puzzled about the theft, “Who would want that old rust bucket? Even though my grandmother gave it to me twelve years ago it doesn’t have any sentimental value. I maybe use it ten times a year to haul stuff. Who really needs a car in the city?”

The Novas of the 1960s and 1970s have some value with automobile collectors and “hot rodders.” However, the mid-1980s versions were just rebadged Toyotas and were never popular. When asked about the 1987 Nova, noted car expert Jeremy Clarkson called the car “absolute rubbish.”

July 6, 2008 – Swedish home furnishings mega retailer Ikea and the Metropolitan Transportation Authority have announced an agreement for the funding, sponsorship and the completion of the Second Avenue Subway.

Ikea engineers estimate the cost will be several times lower than conventional subway construction since their modular Ölaff subway system is currently on sale. Several other cities have used the Ölaff and were quite happy until they could afford a subway they didn’t have to put together themselves. One city, Philadelphia, was not able to figure out the instructions and wound up with a bookcase instead. It is estimated that the Second Avenue project will require over ten million Allen wrenches for completion.

July 6, 2008 – The 2008 meeting of the New Jersey Association of Waste Management Professionals erupted into violence yesterday when a hail of bullets rained down on a conference room at the Hilton Atlantic City Casino. Dead are Anthony “Big Tony” Coperchio of Nutley, John “Fancy Pants” Secchio of Cherry Hill, and Vincent “The Motor” Spazzatura of Jersey City.

One witness that would not give his name told the Limes, “Nobody saw nothing here. Nobody saw nothing here, capice?”

New Jersey State Police Sergeant Sarah Silber told reporters at a news conference at State Police headquarters, “We don’t have any suspects at this time and the waste management community is known for their silence. Something happens almost every year with these garbage men.”