July 27, 2008 – The American Association of Physicists and Astronomers (AAPA) announced today that the Universe is restabilizing after weeks of being in highly unstable state due to the Philadelphia Phillies being in first place of the National League Eastern Division. When the Mets defeated the Phillies, knocking the dangerous baseball club out of first place last week, order was restored to the universe.

“This anomaly happens from time to time, sometimes putting the entire fabric of the Space Time Continuum in jeopardy,” said Dr. Eugene Woodling director of the AAPA. “The most serious breach that almost led to Universal destruction occurred on October 21, 1980 when the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series. We came pretty close, but the 1981 baseball strike repaired most of the fissures, although the team’s 1983 World Series appearance caused some more damage. The natural state of the team is to not win. When they win, it throws the universe out of balance. That is why they have the most losses of any team in history.”

As for the worst team in the history of professional sports 1993 World Series appearance, Woodling has an explanation, “There were no adverse effects to the Universe then, only positive ones. The working theory is due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle a situation developed where the fans of the Phillies needed to be reminded that the team does not deserve to win and they should switch teams to one that will not do damage to the Universe.”

A special commendation has been given to the New York Mets by the AAPA for their recent efforts. However, Dr. Woodling warns, “The Mets and the rest of the National League need to be vigilant and defeat the Phillies when they play them. The ramifications of the Phillies winning the division and the Mets not could cause some serious problems. Thankfully last year’s resolved itself quickly during the playoffs and tragedy was averted.”

July 27, 2008 – Mister Softee, the beloved spokesman and CEO of the Mister Softee Corporation, was severely wounded in an assassination attempt in Sunset Park early yesterday evening. NYPD officers found Softee in the back of his truck with multiple bullet wounds in a melting state. Doctors at Lutheran Medical Center list Softee in critical, but semi-melted condition.

NYPD detectives from the 72nd Precinct and the Desert Bureau have listed Softy Man as the prime suspect. Detective Brian Holstien of the Desert Bureau who is working with precinct detectives told the Limes, “Softy Man is trying to muscle in on the legitimate soft ice cream and frozen novelties business. We suspect that Softy Man is trying through intimidation and violence gain control of the city’s mobile iced refreshments trade. We need to work quickly to prevent further bloodshed.”

Several witnesses reported an ice cream truck that looked like a Mister Softee truck, but wasn’t exactly fleeing the area at a high rate of speed. The NYPD asks any witnesses or those who know the whereabouts of Softy Man to contact the NYPD Desert Bureau immediately. They also ask that you do not approach Softy Man as he is believed to have a special ice cream that causes an immediate brain freeze.

July 27, 2008 – New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine returned to the Governor’s Mansion in Princeton yesterday after his successful trip to Israel. The Governor met with Israeli officials and did not pick up any Israeli boy toys. It was an Israeli boy toy that then Governor Jim McGreevey picked up and gave an important homeland security post to which lead to his downfall.

Many Garden State residents were alarmed that the Governor had traveled to the Middle East nation. Joseph Clarke of Saddle River was shocked at the news, “What the hell was he thinking when he went there. Is he trying to prove that he is not Jim McGreevey? We know that already. He isn’t. He is just a crash test dummy. We really need someone like Acting Governor Codey as governor.”

Laurie Easterbrook of Summit was more concerned with the trip overall, “I think he was tempting fate. Just look at what happened to Jim McGreevey. I don’t want anything bad to happen to anybody, but anything to get back Acting Governor Dick Codey would really be welcome!”

One Trenton insider told The Limes, “It is a good thing that Jon doesn’t bat from that side of the plate. Although there are some really hot Israeli women. There were these two sisters I met at a club in Tel Aviv once and bada bing bada boom next thing we know we were in a tank and accidentally invaded Lebanon. But I digress. The general consensus is that since he is returning without anyone extra means that it is a successful trip.”

July 27, 2008 – Gordon MacKenzie, 24, of Glasgow, Scotland is in stable condition at New York Methodist Hospital, after being hit by a MTA New York City Transit bus near Borough Hall in Downtown Brooklyn yesterday.

“Somehow he didn’t break anything,” said FDNY paramedic Joseph Larsen, who was first on the scene. “He got bruised up pretty badly, but if that bus was going faster he’d be a goner.”

Witnesses described MacKenzie as looking perfectly normal, but then screaming in terror after pointing at a blue recycling bin near the steps of Borough Hall. Samantha Nardone of Bay Ridge told the Limes, “He was just walking along then he had a look of terror on his face, pointed to the recycling can screamed ‘It is a Dalek, we’re all dead!’ Then he just ran in out on to Court Street and got hit. If it wasn’t for that double parked armored car, the bus driver would have seen him. How can anyone mistake a trash can for an alien monster?”

Sgt. Dorian Lockhart of the NYPD Highway Patrol suspected that an illegal sound truck for a pest control service may have caused the mishap, “A truck with an illegal speaker set up was stopped at the light. The first word on their tape was ‘exterminate,’ which everyone knows is the Dalek catch phrase. We cited the owner for the sound system and there will be no charges filed.”

A U. N. I. T. press release assured that there is no such thing as Daleks and “if there were, we would take the proper action to deal with the threat.”

July 27, 2008 – If you have been a television critic for the last fifty-two years then you would know how hard it is to not watch these so-called reality shows without getting drunk. I know what reality is and you people don’t put it on your channels. Buzz Aldrin going to the Moon now that was reality. It wasn’t faked on a soundstage in Nevada, now that is crazy talk.

As I look at this bottle of Jack Daniels which I have been making more empty as I am sitting here writing this and watching America’s Stupidest Pets on Fox. . . uhn,l;,gvb ,m, gxvbg v65tyhp’[;

Sorry I passed out on the keyboard. Now what was I saying. The Democrats, they are all Communists. No that isn’t right. What was it now?

The Dick VanDyke Show. That was a disappointment. No dicks, vans, or dykes. Wait that isn’t right either.

What the hell was I am talking about. Drunk. That is it. This one time Roger Grimsby and I went to this bar on 65th Street and there were these two redheads. . .

That isn’t right. Oh, reality shows. I have to be really drunk so I can watch them because they are so stupid. I am now on my fourth bottle of Jack Daniels and there are 42 minutes left in the show. God, Roger Grimsby was never this drunk.

Why do you have to have the reality shows? I can only hold so much liquor and be able to type. Please stop and put professional bowling back on.

Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.

July 20, 2008 – In remarks in a news conference Thursday evening, Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno said that he would be officially resigning effective at noon on Friday. He told reporters asking about the Federal investigation into his business dealings, “I am not a crook.”

Bruno refused to answer questions about the Troopergate scandal, his use of State Police aircraft, any of the questionable activities he engaged in during his 32 years in Albany, or how he was going to receive a $90,000 to $100,000 a year state pension – significantly more than his State Senate salary.

The mood was markedly different and upbeat scene Friday morning when as the recently resigned Bruno left Albany for one last time. An honor guard made up of the ten members of the New York National Guard actually still in the state were on hand in the parking lot of the Capitol Building along with dozens of well wishers, onlookers and Governor Patterson to see Bruno off in a State Police helicopter.

The helicopter flew Bruno to Joseph L. Bruno International Airport in Rensselaer County where a motorcade took then took him to his Brunswick home. Passing motorists on the Joseph L. Bruno Expressway got out of their vehicles to wave at the passing motorcade and many people held up signs of encouragement on the overpasses. It is estimated that over 3000 people lined the motorcade route to wish Bruno well.

“Joe Bruno is a great man. This is a loss for the people of New York,” said Lloyd Nelson of Hoosick, a guard at the Joseph L. Bruno State Prison, who waited three hours in front of the Joseph L. Bruno Medical Center to get a glimpse of Bruno’s motorcade passing by.

Fifty students from the Joseph L. Bruno Regional High School held up a one hundred foot long banner saying “THANKS JOE!” as the motorcade passed Joseph L. Bruno State Park. “It was really important that we paid our respects to this great man. He has done so much for everyone here,” said Rebecca Shultz, 15, of North Greenbrook and student at the high school. “He would have made the best governor.”

The 79 year old Bruno will not be retiring, despite his huge bump in income. He plans to find a non-profit to work for and make it profitable.

July 20, 2008 – New Jersey may have an official State Dinosaur, but it doesn’t have an official State Song. Dr. Daniel Marsden, DDS of Spring Lake in Monmouth County is looking to rectify that situation and has begun lobbying the Garden State’s legislators to make the theme song to the popular New Jersey set television show The Sopranos, “Woke Up This Morning” from British band Alabama 3, as the official state song.

“The state really needs a state song and one that people associate with New Jersey already. The theme to The Sopranos is perfect,“ said Marsden in his Spring Lake dental office. “There was an attempt done back in the 1960s and 1970s with this horrible song called ‘I’m From New Jersey’ written by some hack who called himself Red Mascara. That song was dated and sounded like ‘Here Come the Yankees’ combined with a bad 1950s beer jingle. I think that ‘Woke Up This Morning’ is much better since people world wide hear it and think New Jersey.”

Marsden already has several influential groups and individuals backing him including the New Jersey Association of Waste Management Professionals, several unions, and Belmar Mayor Ken Pringle. He noted, ”The key here is to get broad based bi-partisan support, that was something that hack songwriter failed to do. I even have a fallback position, the old New Jersey Network ‘Positively New Jersey’ jingle they used back in the 1980s.”

The Limes attempted to contact Acting Governor Dick Codey for a comment, but he was “down the shore this week.”

July 20, 2008 – For decades, straphangers wanting to be funny removed and ripped a wet paint sign in half then tore the “P” in paint off and placed it back on the support column, wall or other surface they initially got the sign from so it would read “AINT WET”. When Williamsburg resident Ryan Clarke did this at the Metropolitan Avenue station on the G line, yesterday evening, he committed the one billionth occurrence of this act of humorous vandalism. Moments after he was finished this historic act, his companion Rachel Lee, also of Williamsburg, remarked, “That is funny, because the paint isn’t wet anymore.”

It is estimated that several hundred additional people got at least a chuckle out of the modified sign. “I have seen that a thousand times and it is still funny,” said Tanya Jackson of Flatbush after witnessing Clarke’s handiwork hours later.

A MTA New York City Transit spokesperson told The Limes via e-mail, “We don’t condone this behavior, but we have no problem with people doing this, as long as the paint is not wet. If it is wet, then some customer may accidentally get paint on their clothes.” The NYPD also expressed similar concerns about the potential of accidental paint transfer, but noted that it was still “technically considered vandalism.”

July 20, 2008 – A man identified by police as Arvin Harrowman, 24, of Massapequa was found dead in a Westbury bicycle shop early this morning, apparently the victim of a hit and run driver. Harrowman, who was dressed in a Superman costume, was found impaled on a display of Kryptonite bicycle locks in the window.

Nassau County Police Detective Robert Blutarsky said a news conference, “This is the forty-seventh ironic death in the county this year. Of those sixteen were homicides. The ironic death of Mr. Harrowman brings us over last years count. If things continue, we could have close to a hundred ironic deaths in the county this year.”

Nassau County Executive Thomas Suozzi asked citizens to stay calm, “There is no reason to get upset over the increase in ironic deaths. Just be smart and try to avoid irony. I am directing the police to form an anti-irony task force to deal with the increase in irony. We all must be vigilant and I suggest that we all increase the use of allegory.”

Hicksville resident Amy Bonazzi’s reaction was typical of county residents, “Irony, that is like where two words are spelled alike, but mean the same thing? Or is that simile or is it palindrome?”

July 20, 2008 – Did you watch the All Star Game on Fox last Tuesday? Sure we all did unless you are one of the rich suits who can afford the $1000 ticket to the game. Those rich bastards missed out on some of the best commentary on the sport of baseball by the greatest baseball announcer in the history of the game – Tim McCarver.

Where can I start? The man was probably the greatest catcher in the history of baseball. He was so talented they won’t put him in the Hall of Fame because his greatness would overshadow everyone else. He had that much true talent.

McCarver knows how to use the English language. He puts Shakespeare to shame. He even comes up with new words! I can never forget the day he came up with the word splate. Tim said about the great breakthrough in the English language, “I got my ‘splitter’ and my ‘plate’ mixed up and kind of called it a ‘splate.’ It’s a new word I made up.” Splate, that is the mark of a true wordsmith. Did Shakespeare come up with any new words? Methinks not.

He is an expert on baseball. I am sure you remember this brilliant insight from 2005 when he said, “There is a world of difference between a count of one ball and two strikes is a lot different situation than hitting with two strikes and one ball.” Or maybe this from 2006, “Pitching is such a vital part of the game, as far as winning is concerned.” Pure genius.

Tim McCarver, coupled with Fox’s incredibly wonderful coverage of baseball made the All Star Game a sheer delight. He is much better than someone like Vin Scully and obviously more intelligent because of McCarver’s unique grasp of the obvious and fearlessness in mentioning it.

In my fifty-two years of television criticisms I have never found a better announcer!

I’ll leave you with some words of inspiration from the great man, “One thing about ground balls. They don’t go out of the ball park.”

Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.