June 29, 2008 - The New York Limes is in possession of several New York State documents that reveal that Governor David Patterson suffers from blindness. The shocking documents state that the governor is “legally blind” and “lives with his wife”.
Further investigations by The Limes have brought to light that Patterson is a Democrat, has been or is currently active in several Democrat groups and organizations and that he is a lawyer.
The Governor’s office confirmed the documents as authentic and that Patterson is a Democrat who is a legally blind lawyer and lives with his wife. They even went so far as to place the documents on the Governor’s website.
The documents are similar in nature to those that The Limes discovered in 1998 revealing then Governor George Pataki as having the middle name of Elmer. That discovery led to several jokes comparing Pataki to Elmer Fudd told throughout the state.
No Newark Shootings for a Day
June 29, 2008 - Newark Mayor Corey Booker proudly announced at a news conference on the city hall steps, “Yesterday, for the first day in living memory nobody had been shot in the city. This is a fine day for Newark.” However the glee of the moment was spoiled when a drug deal gone bad across the street quickly turned into an exchange of automatic weapons fire wounding five.
Hicksville Proposes Name Change
June 29, 2008 - The Nassau County hamlet of Hicksville has proposed a name change in order to improve its image so not to be seen as a bunch of hicks. A press release by the Chamber of Commerce proposes the name be changed to Pickleton to honor the area’s history of growing pickles. The area switched to potato farming after the Great Pickle Blight of the 1920s devastated Long Island’s pickle industry.
Tragedy at Connecticut Debutant Ball
June 29, 2008 - The entire state of Connecticut is recovering from the carnage that occurred at the annual Fairfield County Debutant Ball at the Greenwich Country Club last night. Ball goers were shocked when they found eighteen year old Rebecca “Beckers” Smythe-Uppington of Greenwich with a broken fingernail. Smythe-Uppington was immediately airlifted to a special clinic in Switzerland which specializes in this type of injury. She is expected to make a full recovery. The Connecticut State Police have not determined the cause of the injury at this point of the investigation.
June 29, 2008 - In a shocking move Mets General Manager Omar Minaya has fired manager Jerry Manuel less than a month after he took the reigns of the team from Willie Randolph. In a 3 a.m. press conference Minaya announced to the two reporters who bothered to show up, “Jerry Manuel isn’t working out for us and we have found a better and more cost effective solution.” He then proceeded to hold up an Ouija board and a photo of Casey Stengel saying, “This is the best option we have at the moment.”
Minaya also announced a new pitching coach, the spirit of Tug McGraw channeled through yet another Ouija board. “McGraw’s positive ‘You gotta believe’ attitude is something that can really help the team right now,” he said.
The supernatural choice of manager is a first for the Mets, but not a first in New York baseball. In 1990, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner used an Ouija board channeling the spirit of Billy Martin as manager after firing Bucky Dent. That strategy was a failure, since the team finished dead last – the same place they were when Dent was still at the helm.
June 29, 2008 - Wow. That is all I have to say about CSI:NY.
It has to be about the most accurate show about the NYPD ever. They get everything so perfectly right and they get access to places that we would never see normally. How ever did they get to film in the Statue of Liberty? By being the best show on television ever, that’s how!
I am still trying to figure out some of the places they film the show, but the city is so big I may never find them. I had the same trouble with NYPD Blue and Kojak, too. A lot of these places look familiar, but I can’t place them.
I hardly ever see them filming, unlike the awful Law & Order shows which are constantly getting in the way of where I am going and keeping me awake at night. Not getting in people’s way when filming makes the show even better. I don’t know how they do it, but it is amazing.
The acting on the show is great and they don’t seem to get the same people you see on Law & Order which makes things even better. It is like they are finding a totally different pool of actors thousands of miles away. That really helps a lot.
In my fifty-two years of television criticisms I have never found a better show!
Larry Rawson has been the chief television critic for The New York Limes since 1956.
Some of his columns are paid advertorials, but to preserve editorial integrity The Limes will not reveal which columns are.
June 29, 2008 - At a news conference at 30 Rockefeller Center on Friday, NBC executives and Law & Order producer Dick Wolf announced that a new addition to the Law & Order franchise would debut next season as a midseason replacement.
The new show, Law & Order: Traffic Enforcement Unit, will chronicle the men and women of the NYPD’s Traffic division. Wolf spoke of his inspiration for the show, “I was visiting a location set of Law & Order and I had the proper placard and this bitch of a traffic agent gave me a ticket. Of course I fought the damn thing and won. The whole process made me think that this would be a good idea for a show.”
Only one cast member has been announced so far, Richard Moll as the traffic court judge. As with the other Law & Order series, the show will be filmed entirely on location in New York.